Call for Backers of Hillary, Bernie, The Donald, and Lost GOPers to Draft Unity Candidate

(Satire.) At the height of a campaign season, where differences between supporters of this candidate and that are sharpened, and things are said and written that may later be regretted, it is natural to look for a unity candidate -- someone that could bring the country together. Since we are now in such a season, I ask you to support the movement to draft Yetta Bronstein of the Best Party. I believe Yetta is uniquely qualified for the role of unity candidate. Not only does she have experience at running for president, having run twice before, but I believe she offers something for everyone, regardless of which candidate one now supports:

  • For Hillary: Putting Yetta on the ballot as a third-party candidate would give Hillary a strategic advantage. Although she may take some of the women-for-woman vote from Hillary, Yetta would take far more of the simpleton vote from The Donald. As Yetta says, " If you want simple solutions, then you gotta be simple."
  • For Bernie: Though not exactly Bernie's plan for a political revolution to bring down the legalized bribery system and get big money out of politics, Bernie-or-Bust'ers might still like Yetta's plan to clean-up Congress:
    • Put truth serum in the Senate drinking fountain,
    • Install in the Capitol building a mental detector to go along with the metal detector,
    • and take Congress off salary and put them on straight commission.
  • For The Donald: Putting Yetta on the ballot as a third-party candidate would give The Donald a strategic advantage. Although she may take some of the simpleton vote from The Donald, Yetta would take far more of the women-for-woman vote from Hillary. As Yetta's campaign song says (to the tune of "When the Saints Go Marching In"), "They'll be a change / They'll be a change / They'll be a change in Government / When Yetta gets to be first lady / And also the president."
  • For Left-Out GOPers: This one is a bit tougher. But perhaps these lost souls looking for a candidate that is not The Donald can take some solace in the fact that Yetta hasn't updated her platform since 1968. Now the '60's may not be the 1950's or 1920's or 1890's or 1850's or 1770's or whatever decade it is that the GOPers would like to return to -- but at least Yetta's platform is, like the GOP's, global warming free. And to those who still have doubts, Yetta argues: "Even if you [don't] like me, vote for me anyhow, because you might change your mind later on."

Though dated, some of the planks of Yetta's platform for '64 and '68 show remarkable foresight:

  • lowering the voting age to 18 so juvenile delinquents have something to do -- a Constitutional amendment for this took effect in 1971.
  • National bingo -- though not national, a form of it has taken hold at the state level with scratch-off lottery cards.
  • fluoridation -- became common in the 1950's.
  • sex education -- this never became common, but that's because Yetta lost the election!

Still, serious citizens have to ask, "What would Yetta's global warming policy be? Maybe there's a glimmer of hope in that she replaced Herbert Hoover's old promise of "a car in every garage," with "a mink coat in every closet." But maybe not.

But seriously, folks ... Whatever its merits, I'm afraid that the Draft Yetta movement will fail to coax her into the race. Early in the election season Yetta was asked if she would run, and answered quite definitely: "No, the comedy is already happening." Too bad, as this again shows the woman's foresight -- to recognize the comedy way before it became the terrifying hilarity that it is today.

~~~

Yetta Bronstein is the creation of Alan Abel and Jeanne Abel -- WEBSITE

Hear the Yetta Bronstein story at StoryCorps.

Image credit: Alan Abel, used with permission.

Sources

Yetta Bronstein "The Hoaxes: Yetta Bronstein for President" - Alan Abel

run twice before "Vote for Yetta and Things Will Get Betta" told by Jeanne Abel and Alan Abel; StoryCorps

legalized bribery system "Chance of a Lifetime — Vote Bernie!" The Paragraph; March 14, 2016

global warming free Issues: Energy and Environment - Republican National Committee

terrifying hilarity "Cartoon: Primary pandemonium" By Tom Tomorrow; May 09, 2016

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By Quinn Hungeski, TheParagraph.com, Copyright (CC BY-ND) 2016

2 comments for “Call for Backers of Hillary, Bernie, The Donald, and Lost GOPers to Draft Unity Candidate

  1. May 11, 2016 at 10:10 am

    Tongues stuck in cheeks often produce the best humor.

  2. May 11, 2016 at 12:14 pm

    Thanks for the comment, Barbara. I’m glad to know that someone gets it.

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